Baby Blues...

I can't remember if I've actually touched on this yet. If I have I'm sorry for being repetitive. But, it's something that weighs heavily on my heart and my brain.

I have wanted to be a mom way before I knew I even wanted to be a wife. Way before I really knew ANYTHING. When I was younger I played with dolls all the time. They were my entire world.

Growing up it went from dolls to real live babies. I have always been around kids. Through family members children, and as I got older my friends babies. It's just always been a dream of mine.

When my husband was diagnosed with Cancer I was 19. Clueless at all this medical babble that was going on. When he got his first dose of Chemotherapy I was so scared. I was scared that this Cancer would get the best of us. I didn't even worry about fertility. It wasn't until we were told that he was going to get a Stem Cell Transplant that we were finally told to start planning our future. We had to go and have his sperm analyzed and stored. At this point he had a few rounds of Chemo under his belt.. so there was the fear that it may not go over as planned.

The doctors told us they would call us in a week with the results. But, we ended up finding out that same day that Phil was infertile. It hit us hard. We both want a family so badly.

To be honest here, I have to say that I don't think it hit me as hard then, as it does now.

Not only are more and more people around me getting pregnant or having birth... but, I'm at a more reasonable and healthy weight. Where it just seems more realistic to get pregnant.

Phil and I made the decision in the beginning of my Weight Loss Journey that we wouldn't the precautions the doctors suggested as far as birth control. We both knew the risks and all that. But, I also know that it's common for people to become pregnant as they rapidly lose weight. And, while we heard he's sterile... we also learned that sometimes it can come back. Especially in guys because they're constantly producing sperm. I'm not all that religious of a person... but, I'm a firm believer in that what's meant to be, will be. I couldn't live my life knowing what COULD of happened.

Not knowing what is going to happen kills me. I'm to an age now where I thought I'd have a child. I've been married for almost five years now. I'm just ready. 

I just have to have hope that everything will work out and we will have our family we've been dreaming of. Whether it's biologically or otherwise... that doesn't matter to us.